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So here we are, just a month from our cruise. I haven't worn anything even vaguely resembling "formal wear" since my Grandmother's funeral last August, 2004.
To compound things, I found out in March of this year that I had cancer. I guess I always expected I would get cancer. My brother got Hodgkin's Lymphoma when he was only 24 (diagnosed at 26). Cancer has a bad habit of running in families, lots of cancers are genetic. Given the fact that my family is originally from rural Missouri, and likely inbred, I was a prime candidate. In fact, I was at such high risk of one type of cancer, that a medical website estimated my chances as >98%.
The odd thing, is that I always thought I would get Hodgkin's, too. I have huge lymph nodes, and one in my armpit got so big during the fall and winter of 2003 that I had to have it removed. I sort of expected it to be Lymphoma, although I had no other symptoms, but it was benign.
The next year, December 2004, I went to have a yearly physical, and the doctor pointed out another mass in that same side. This time, though, it was in the breast, not the armpit. My reaction was more like "What's new?" rather than any fear. This was about the 30th time this was brought to my attention since adulthood.
He said that this was a different type of lump. Not a lymph node, not fibrocystic, but a dangerous mass. He sent me for a mammogram.
So let's just skip to the meat of it all. Yes, I had cancer, no, it was not that surprising.
I interviewed several breast cancer surgeons. The best surgeon I found was a woman my age (she was 35) who was the up and coming superstar in the biz. They are obviously not judges on artistic or asthetic results, because a shark bite just looks like a shark bite, no matter how one tries to sugar coat it. Deformity is gross, there is nothing "pretty" about a mastectomy. I suppose they are simply judged by their ability to avoid lots of complications.
I decided to go for the most aggressive surgery, given my genetic profiling, which is another long story. But suffice it to say, I was in big trouble on both sides of my chest, and at very high risk for more cancer.
At this time, I have not chosen any kind of reconstruction. First off, I felt I had to get through the chemo and other systematic treatment before I even considered it. Two, I had a very small bust to begin with. I remember after the bi-lateral mastectomies, I was given the surgical report. Even the right breast, the heaviest one (the one with cancer) was only about 1/2 lb. LOL!
As time goes by, I might have some kind of asthetic surgery on the site itself, because it looks like a train wreck. But I doubt I will ever have true reconstruction.
Which brings us back to the original point, and the reason for this post. Clothes!
I dug out my nicest clothes. By nature, I am a very conservative person and don't have many dresses or pants suits with plunging necklines or transparent material. I guess there is that to be thankful for.
A couple of dresses and tops were a no-go. There were too many puckers/pleats that just limply caved in where a bust should be. Regardless of the fact that I was only a 36 AA to begin with, there was still a little set of bumps filling those spaces last year, where there is nothing now.
Tight outfits are not so hot either. If they are revealing enough that I can't wear anything underneath them to smooth out the rippling chest wall that I now have, it looks odd, like an old fashioned wash board. Mastectomies aren't, in appearance, what a lot of people assume they will be. It's not just flat, smooth, un-matured baby skin. It is rippled, more like the appearance of the ribs going down the torso. There are concave places that just look caved in, not smooth. It can be very shocking at first. I made sure to look at lots of pics of men and women who had been through mastectomies, so that I wouldn't be completely horrified. That works to a point, but it is still revolting in the beginning.
There were a couple of outfits that showed the scars. Just barely, but they peeked out of the clothing, so they are also a no-no.
Most of the formal wear I have is fine. And that is the good news. No, not even just loose outfits with jackets or layering, either. But attractive, form fitting things for someone my age.
As far as regular, everyday wear goes, I have found that layering helps quite a bit to fill out my shirts. Layering is great for me, because with cancer, our internal themometer doesn't seem to work correctly. Most people I know with cancer are extremely cold all of the time. Layering protects me from the worst of the cold, as well as filling in the concaved areas. The only time I wear a single layer is when I'm going to be outside, in a very warm environment.
I have nothing on top, true, so in that sense I look like a young girl, but who ever complained about looking too young, anyway?
I definitely have enough clothing for the ten night cruise, which was my goal in the first place.
So...if you are in the same "boat" as I am, please feel free to write me and I'll try to give you as much help as possible on the way to get through formal nights post-mastectomy.
I know that lots of women wear fake boobs to help fill out their clothing. But that is just so not me. They are heavy, they are hot, they move around. Not to mention that they are just so...well, fake.
Now, if I can just grow some hair so that I don't have to wear a ballcap with my prom dress...
LOL,
Felicia
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And enjoy your trip...
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